To Catch a Lizard

I have a problem.
A BIG one.
I do not think it is curable, either.
If you do not want your opinion of me to be changed, then don't read any further...otherwise, you may think I am completely insane.

I have a phobia of some sort that I have had my entire life.
I am TERRIFIED of lizards.
Yes, lizards.
I do not think Josh realized the extent of my fear until yesterday....

He knew I didn't like lizards, but now he KNOWS exactly how much I do not like them.

Ok, so let me back up to why I do not like these horrible creatures... When I was growing up, for some reason we always got lizards in our house! AGH! I remember one time (probably when the fear first began), one was in my parents' bedroom and my dad was trying to get him out. He got in the drapes and Dad was swatting at him, trying to knock him on the floor. All three of us girls were standing on their bed, screaming and squealing and going nuts. Dad tried to reach out and get the lizard and when he grabbed him, his tail fell off and he scooted away. This made for another round of hooting and hollering by the three of us from our post on the bed... By now, the lizard was crawling on the floor. Dad reached again and when he got the lizard this time, the darn thing BIT him. So at this point, I was totally freaked out and didn't want to see one of those horrible creatures ever again.

No such luck.

Even with cats on hand at all times, we always had tons of lizards around. I remember opening up a drawer in the kitchen one day to get silverware and a lizard was in the drawer. About had a heart attack. Seriously. Remember another time, taking out the garbage...when I went to lift the lid off the outside garbage can, there was a lizard hiding under the handle and when I reached down, it crawled over my hand. OH. MY. GOSH. Don't think Mom was able to convince me to take out the garbage again EVER after that. If she made me, I always kicked the can really hard before lifting the lid to try to scare the lizards away if they were lurking under there. AGH! And probably the WORST memory was one early morning when I was leaving my room, on the way down the hall to the bathroom to take a shower...still dark outside and so not much light at all in the hallway. There was a lizard on the floor that I totally did not see and I STEPPED ON THE DARN THING!!!! Again, an almost heart attack.

My fear didn't get better as I got older. When I lived with my friend Katie in Clinton in an apartment on the second floor, I used to see lizards all the time, hanging around the foot of the outside stairway. I would park my car and start for the stairs to go up to our apartment and then see a lizard on the steps. I would turn around and walk all the way around the building to the back side and go up the other stairway just to avoid it. This happened all the time. I know, I am a complete dork.

I can spot them anywhere. Josh makes so much fun of me for that. He says I can spot lizards faster than anyone ever. Probably so. They just dart out in front of you and totally freak you out because you don't know where they are going... AGH! And they are so quick! AGH!

Ok, so... on with the story...
Yesterday while Josh was at work and Grady was at school, I happened upon a lizard that was lounging out on my bedroom floor. To say that I freaked out is an understatement.
OH. MY. GOSH.
a lizard...
in my house!
IN MY ROOM!
It's one thing if they are outside...I can totally avoid them, run away, or just go inside to get away from them. I have done all of the above numerous times. But INSIDE MY HOUSE is a COMPLETELY different story!

I immediately called Josh and jumped on top of my bed to watch where the lizard crawled, reciting his every move to my poor husband on the other end of the phone. I watched as he crawled into the bathroom, slithering around on the tile like a little snake. I really think Josh thought I was the biggest wuss ever. He asked me like 5 times, "Do I need to come home?" but I said no. He told me to just catch him. Yeah right. ME??? Not a chance. He told me to go get a shoe box and trap him. Uh, that would involve getting off the bed and getting my feet close to him. I don't think so. He told me to get the broom and sweep him outside. Hmmm...I know how fast they are, so that would NOT work at all! He told me to "barricade" him in the bathroom. Now this, I might could do. I would need a towel to jam under the bathroom door. So I ran to the laundry room to get a towel (couldn't get one from the bathroom because I'd have to pass the lizard!). But when I got back, he was nowhere to be found. GREAT, just GREAT! So now I had to spend the rest of the day wondering where in the world that darn lizard was. I sat at the breakfast room table for like an hour, watching my bedroom door to see if I saw him come out, and every now and then, I tiptoed into the room to glance at the bathroom floor for a glimpse of him... but no lizard in sight. I think my heart beat like 90 miles an hour the whole afternoon. So when it was time to go get Grady from school, I got ready to put Vera in her carseat and realized that it was in my room, on the floor. AGH! I ran in there really fast to get the carseat and shook it like crazy in case there was a lizard inside. Then, I saw the ugly little creature in the bathroom again. So I slammed the bathroom doors and jammed the towel under the doors to try to "barricade" him until Josh got home to rescue me and catch him. Heart is practically beating out of my chest. Seriously! Needless to say, when Vera and I went to get Grady, we ran as many errands as I could and tried to stay out of the house. In the car on the way home, I decided to warn Grady about the "problem" in case the little booger tried to "unbarricade" the bathroom door. Grady decided that if Mom doesn't like lizards, then he doesn't either. Hmmm....

So when Josh finally gets home, he goes straight to the bathroom to try to "catch" the lizard... buckets, brooms, and Grady's bug-catching net in hand. And where was my child in all of this excitement? On the bed, squealing with me, of course! ha ha. He was all talk, telling Josh he was going to help him catch the lizard, but when the bathroom door was opened, he squealed to get up on the bed with me!

After LOTS of searching (Josh searched every cabinet, hamper, shelf, EVERYTHING in the bathroom, bedroom, and closet.) still no lizard. And he searched again after supper. And again before bed. Still no lizard. Oh my gosh, the thought of him crawling up in my bed and getting tangled up in my hair while I am asleep FREAKS me out!

We shut the bathroom door and "barricaded" it again before we went to sleep...and this morning, still no lizard in sight. I have been wearing shoes all day long. Still have shoes on and it's 11:15 p.m. Still looking around on the floor around me every 5 minutes or so. I know he's got to be here still. Josh thinks he crawled down the drain in the tub or something. Not me. I know he is just lurking around, waiting to jump out and scare the life out of me. So if you hear that I am in the hospital with heart failure, now you will know why.

I need serious help.

But not from this brave little soul...